thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
