I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
