I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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