Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
