Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
