Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
