pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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