even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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