Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
