Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
