Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
