i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
