i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
