that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
