I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
