I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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