Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
