i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
