She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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