I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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