I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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