forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
