I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
