Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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