I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
