so that wasnt chicken after all
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
