For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
