Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
