I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My feet surprised me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
