Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
