Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
