She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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