I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Farmville is her only friend.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I would fuck him just for his dog
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