you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
