Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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