1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
