Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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