just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
