Swine flu. Run for my life!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
