how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
