dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
