why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
