My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
