My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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