I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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