im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Congratulations! We have a period
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