you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
