I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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