I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
