Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish my penis had a tongue
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
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Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
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I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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