Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How's work?
Spinning.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
