You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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