He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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