I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
