You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
