mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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