My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
