He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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