david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
